God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
