oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
