i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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