sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
