And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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