how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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