just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
