Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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