i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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