she looked like the before picture.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
