dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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