Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
