btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Randomize