yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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