yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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