pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
