Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
