I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
