Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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