Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
