Me. At least after what I've been through.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
