she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
My ATM looks so different sober.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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