I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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