Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
