my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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