Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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