Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize