I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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