Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
