Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
