my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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