am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
