Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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