I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
