Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
i out mim tonsoeep
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