You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
