My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
