Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
