he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
