Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
