i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I deserve this hangover.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
