im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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