she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
