She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize