if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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