I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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