went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
