i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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