i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
