Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize