You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
