I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
