mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
