I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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