she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize