yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
