Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
This is my gift to your gina
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize