So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
