It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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