I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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