as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
