Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
