New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
