have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
