If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize