Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
