Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
