I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize